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How to Do It
He doesn’t even realize I’m doing it.
Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by PeopleImages/iStock/Getty Images Plus.
How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
***There’s a comment from a reader:*** I’m in a long-term relationship that’s been satisfying emotionally, mentally, and sexually. We explore and try new things, I feel cared for and loved. I have no complaints.
***There’s a comment from a reader:*** The problem is this new hobby I’ve developed that I haven’t shared and can’t seem to stop. I have been sexting with people on an online platform. Every time I go to delete my account and end all communication, I can’t seem to make myself do it. I’m not even doing anything I can’t ask for in my current relationship, it just makes me feel desired in a way I haven’t felt in so long.
Why am I doing this? How do I make myself stop?
***There’s a comment from a reader:*** Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop
***Reply from How to Do It:*** You don’t know and I can only guess, but since you’re making me, I feel like novelty is at least part of the draw here—the one thing your partner can’t be for you is other people. It’s exciting to interact with a variety of people in this way, and it’s flattering to hear how hot you are from multiple sources. The dopamine of it all—the rewards that such stimulation and its notifications give you—may also be what’s making this a hard habit to break. The process of hunting and then being rewarded in some way (usually via attention) is what keeps people glued to apps.
***Reply from How to Do It:*** If you really want to pull the plug, you can look into an app/website blocker like Freedom. It allows you to schedule blocking times—perhaps that could be a useful way of attacking this, rather than going cold turkey.
***Reply from How to Do It:*** You say that you’re not even doing anything you can’t ask for in your current relationship, but does your current relationship allow for flirting with other people? Are you at all open? It might be time to have that conversation if you’re interested in it. You can, in theory, avoid the avenues that are bringing you attention but that will do nothing to dash your desire. And then what? It’s possible that you aren’t receiving the sort of validation you’re looking for in your relationship anymore, which is both normal and common for many long-term couples. Some kind of modification to your life/relationship may be necessary to achieve what your body and mind are yearning for.
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***There’s a comment from a reader:*** I am a 62-year-old man who has been married for 32 years. I’m struggling with the fact that my wife is no longer interested in sex. I’m “virile” and very attracted to her, » …
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