If you’ve ever had the unfortunate experience of saying the wrong thing at a staff meeting or a friend’s housewarming party, you know just how easy it is to bungle small talk.
The commonplace interaction can be tricky to navigate, but is incredibly important to master. Small talk can help you bond with an evasive CEO or hard-to-please in-law.
This year, CNBC Make It interviewed dozens of experts about what to say, which questions to ask, and what key mistakes to avoid if you find yourself in a room of nonfriends.
Here are 12 of their best pieces of advice.
1. Don’t try to be cool or deep
Every long-lasting connection, whether it be personal or professional, probably started with a benign comment, speech trainer John Bowe wrote for CNBC Make It.
Instead of focusing on saying something “deep” or “cool,” just make an observation about your surroundings. Saying “Do you know anyone here? I thought I’d know more people” or “What do you think of the venue?” is a risk-free way to get the conversation started.
“None of these openers are likely to win you the Pulitzer, but exchanging pleasantries doesn’t mean you’re being shallow or false,” he says. “You’re putting yourself out there. If your words aren’t wildly original, so what?”
2. Tweak the boring questions
Just because your question is low-risk doesn’t mean it has to be boring. There are easy ways to transform seemingly canned questions into more interesting inquiries, says Nicholas Epley, a psychology professor from the University of Chicago.
“It might seem hard to reframe questions in a way that’s vulnerable, but it’s actually pretty easy once you start looking for it,” she says.
Epley suggests the following swaps:
- Instead of “Are you married?” try, “Tell me about your family.”
- Instead of “Do you have any hobbies?” ask, “If you could learn anything, what would it be?”
- Instead of “Where did you go to high school?” ask, “What advice would you give a high schooler?”
- Instead of “Where are you from?” ask, “What’s the best thing about where you grew up?”
3. Focus on the other person
It’s easy to get caught up thinking “Am I being awkward?” or “Does the other person like me?” These inner commentaries can distract from actually engaging with the other person Bowe says.
“You’ve asked this person for their attention; now give them yours,” Bowe says. “Concentrate on what they’re saying and try to intuit why they’re saying it.”
Concentrate on what they’re saying and try to intuit why they’re saying it.
4. Use ‘support responses’
People who are good at small talk use “support responses,” Matt Abrahams, a Stanford University lecturer and communications expert, wrote last year.
When someone is telling a story, a person adept at small talk will respond in a way that shows they want to know more.