Many couples see intimacy as a “nice to have” in relationships. It’s sweet when it’s there, but not essential. This is especially true after the honeymoon period wears off. As a sex therapist and psychotherapist with over two decades of experience, I’m here to tell you that’s wrong.
Intimacy is the heartbeat of a thriving relationship. When intimacy breaks down, it doesn’t just affect your connection with a partner, it can impact your career, friendships, and physical health. It influences how you lead, communicate, make decisions, and feel about yourself. Clients often come to therapy for stress, anxiety, or performance issues at work, only for us to uncover intimacy gaps as the deeper source of misalignment.
Intimacy, to bust another myth, is more than just getting laid or knowing the right positions. It’s about being open, honest, vulnerable, and real and allowing someone else to be the same with you.
Many of the biggest intimacy blockers are hiding in plain sight. Here are four surprising things that quietly kill intimacy — and what to do about them:
1. Your phone
It’s tough to connect with someone when your brain is having a love affair with your phone. Even quick glances at notifications can break the emotional flow and send the message: “I’m not fully here.”
What to do about it
Ask your partner how they feel when one or both of you are on your phone, laptop, iPad, or other screens. How does it affect your connection? You might be surprised by how much it matters.
Come up with a few simple boundaries together. It could be as simple as designating screen-free zones, like the bedroom and couch, or at specific times, like during meals or before bed.
I know it may feel like a punishment but I promise it’s not! Being present is the foundation of true intimacy.
2. Your ex
Whether you’re comparing someone new to your ex or haven’t fully processed the end of a past relationship, that lingering attachment can leave little room for connecting with anyone else.
What to do about it
Take an honest look at yourself. Are you still mentally or emotionally entangled with your ex? Closure isn’t about forgetting them, it’s about reclaiming your energy.
Be kind and give yourself permission to grieve what was lost and reflect on what that relationship taught you. Journal your uncensored thoughts, talk it out with a therapist, or (my old favorite) write a letter to your ex that you won’t send.
If you’re holding on to physical reminders such as texts, photos, or gifts, consider letting them go to create space for what’s next.
The goal here is to notice how often they’re taking up mental real estate, and to practice gently redirecting your focus to what is happening in the here and now. That includes your needs, your growth, and the person in front of you.