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I’m addicted to my phone. Wow, it feels good to say it! This uncomfortable truth sharpened recently when a friend shared her pet peeve about cell phones on the table when dining out with companions. “A phone on the table conveys that the person you’re dining with is not fully paying attention to you,” she said. She was paraphrasing the author and inspirational speaker Simon Sinek, who gave a talk about cell phones’ impact on relationships in 2023.
My face flushed from shame as I was suddenly teleported to every previous meal out since phones got smart. If dining out alone, I’d often set the phone on the table face up, ready to pounce on every notification like a cat in a laser-tag arena. If someone joined me, I’d graciously turn it face down, as if to say, you have some of my attention — at least until something more interesting happens on my phone.
It’s one thing to use our phones as emotional crutches or boredom killers when solo dining, but can we please stop leaving them on the table when we have company?
“When we think about the ways we communicate with people, over 55 percent of how someone receives us is through our nonverbal behavior,” says Mariah Grumet Humbert, a certified etiquette trainer and the founder of Old Soul Etiquette in New York City. “Taking your phone out at a table is going to automatically convey something through your body language, even if that wasn’t your intention.”
If your intent is to be present for the conversation, that may not be how the other person perceives it “when your action is speaking louder,” she says. In fact this negative perception is likely magnified depending on status of the relationship the relationship.
As a general rule, Humbert thinks devices don’t belong on restaurant tables, with exceptions for business meetings and solo meals. Yet, being a modern etiquette expert often with her own phone in hand, she recognizes that they’re a huge part of contemporary life.
“I would never say, ‘never be on your phone’ or that I’m anti-phone,” says Humbert, the author of What Do I Do?: Every Wedding Etiquette Question Answered. Rather, we should evolve within our fast-paced world without losing touch with kindness and respect. “The bottom line with etiquette is how can I make the other person feel valued and comfortable in my presence?”
Diners aren’t always set up for success in that department, especially when many restaurants deploy tabletop QR codes instead of paper menus. If the first thing you do upon sitting down is scroll through your phone to select a drink, who can blame you for leaving it out, and maybe answering a text or checking the like count on that hilarious Reel you made?