How to Prevent Yourself From Yelling at Your Kid
Written by Kara Mayer Robinson
Mary Wyatt still remembers the things that would trigger her mom to raise her voice at her as a child.
“My mother yelled at me for my behavior, grades, or even when she struggled with her own personal trials,” says Wyatt, a motivational coach and mother of two who lives in Chesterfield, VA.
When Wyatt became a mother, she found herself repeating the pattern with her son. “Enduring this yelling technique growing up should have been more of a reason for me not to do it,” she says. By the time she had her second child, a girl, “it was evident a change was needed,” Wyatt says.
It didn’t happen overnight, she says, but she found strategies to break the cycle and stop herself from yelling. You can, too. Doing so is good for your relationship with your child – and for both you and your child’s mental health.
The first step is to know when you’re about to lose your cool.
You may feel irritable, anxious, or out of control. Being aware of what your body feels like is key.
Look for physical cues like:
– A clenched jaw
– A tight chest
– An upset stomach
– Your heart rate speeds up
– Your breathing pattern changes
– Your skin starts to literally feel warmer
“Once you’re aware of your physical clues, you can move into quick tools for resetting,” says Amy Hoyt, PhD, co-founder of Mending Trauma in Monett, MO.
When you notice these signs, try these quick-acting strategies to turn things around.
Double-inhale sigh. Take two inhales in a row through your nose, without exhaling. After the second inhale, exhale with a sigh through your mouth. Repeat one to three times.
“This is a tool to quickly offload carbon dioxide and increase oxygen, which helps to immediately calm your nervous system,” Hoyt says.
Mindfulness exercise. Notice three things in your immediate environment. What do you see, hear, or smell? Focus on it. This puts you in the present moment to lower your anxiety and calm your nerves.
Bilateral stimulation. Tap your opposite feet or big toes in an alternate rhythm while repeating a key soothing phrase to yourself, like “I am safe.” This regulates your nervous system to prevent you from flying off the handle.
These strategies are subtle so they also work when you’re out in public, says Hoyt, who uses them with her own five kids.
Devin Sabraw, a blogger who writes about Airbnb, coffee, and gardening, uses a similar strategy with his young son. “When I feel like yelling, I clear the anger by focusing on my breathing,” he says.
Sabraw, who lives in Calgary,
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